Or, "How it seems my posts will involve quotes from things."
I was walking to work the other morning listening to music on my mp3 player, "The Long Way Round" by The Dixie Chicks came on. (What can I say, I love them!) Every time I hear them - or at least that CD of theirs - I go back to summer of 2006, my sister, mum and I in a rented BMW in Germany, driving down from Munich airport into Austria for my second cousin's wedding.
"Six strong hands on a steering wheel"
It was the summer after. A year after dad died, a year after my sister had moved out.... and only a couple of months after I was so convinced I'd flunked my maths finals that I withdrew from my place at King's College in London, and decided to move to Cape Town for a year.
And as I walked towards the office on Monday morning, the song came on, and I just let myself laugh. Because yes. The lyrics? Yes.
"I've been a long time gone now,
Maybe someday, someday I'm going to settle down.
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way round"
I had to move to the other end of the world from home at 17 to figure out I could decide what I wanted out of my life; and ended up not living in London but in a tiny town way up North, not studying maths and philosophy, but molecular biology and philosophy. Not a degree that would get me hired easily necessarily, but one I thought I wanted - and greatly enjoyed.
"Well I fought with a stranger and I met myself,
I opened my mouth and I heard myself"
One of the last bits of encouragement my dad gave me was "trust your voice: you have things to say," so of course I always think of him when I hear that line.
"It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself "
I could have made many things easier for myself I am sure, if I had stuck to a nice, cosy straight road. To the familiar, to the safety and comfort of what is familiar. And I did, for quite a while, in some aspects of my life.
But I have discovered that that is not who I am; and the truth is, I wouldn't have it any other way.
For instance, I could have ended up in my current career in a far more straightforward way, even straight out of high school. I would be qualified by now. Instead, I finished high school early, moved across the world where I met the most fabulous people and started asking more serious questions about God, moved Up North for university, did a strange degree, met more fabulous people, went completely bat-shit-crazy, took spontaneous trips back to the other side of the world, stood up in church for a God who loves me, feel in love with a boy, got better, met more amazing people, played around with chemicals in a lab for a while, realised a trained chimp could do so, decided to stay and do more philosophising, talked my way into a job in a book store, quit the job at the book store because I realised my family was more important to me, finished philosophising with no clue what I wanted to do next, thought I'd try out this whole accountancy business because being paid to dress pretty and be nosy and play with numbers and back up figures seemed fun, left the boy, took 8 months interning before I started this job, which allowed me to travel around like a crazy person, and started this training not as an 18-year-old, but as a 20-something with two degrees who is still 'taking the long way round' but feels like she is exactly where she is supposed to be.
Because that is the truth: I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be, but I also have this sneaky feeling that it is still "the long way round" to wherever it is I am going. Incidentally, I do not know where that is; which leads us to the whole 'being cookie dough' thing.
I recently re-watched the whole of season 7 of Buffy - as you do - and I laughed, again, when Angel and Buffy have an exchange in the cemetery in which Buffy refers to herself as cookie dough. I loved that exchange when I watched it over 9 years ago when it first aired (sidenote: OH MY GOODNESS!), but it meant a lot more to me now that I am around (older!) than Buffy was meant to be at that point, because: "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be!"
For now, I am cookie dough, and that is just fine.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Lessons Learned.
Twenty twelve was a ridiculously eventful year for me; filled with adventures, exploring, love, loss, laughter, friends, work, a wedding, so many train journeys and planes and concerts and new people and photography, and family. I learned a lot about myself; about who I am, who I would like to be, and who I am becoming. It was a year in which I found out what my happiness looks like and feels like - which may be completely different to what yours does.
So here is a very short summary of the lessons I learned in 2012, complete with quotes from songs, poems, or, apparently, political campaigns.
ONE.
"i'll be there for you, [because] you're there for me too" - the rembrandts. (aka. "Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not those who bring you down.")
This one sounds obvious, but sometimes, it is not entirely clear when people are not in the category of those who "lift you up."
For reference, they are the people who you call and text and email with the same problems repeatedly, at strange times of the day or night, and instead of telling you you are being a pest simply repeat encouraging words. They are the ones who tell you "yes, you can!" when you tell them you want to run a marathon, even though they know you've not put on your running shoes in a couple of years. They are the ones who call you every so often to see how you're doing. They are the ones who make time to receive your call to catch up on life, even when you don't live in the same city. They are the ones who, when you tell them, "I don't know what is going on in my life" tell you "I have no idea either, but that's two of us in this boat, and here's the kettle and a teacup". They are the ones who, when you message being a little worried because you may miss your last train home, offer you tea and a sofa-bed at a minute's notice. They are the ones who, when you call them before exams or interviews or after a break up, stay on the phone even when they are extremely stressed themselves, just because they want you to be okay. They are the ones you know would let you in the door if you somehow unexpectedly ended up homeless.
I won't embarrass anyone by publicly naming any of these friends of mine, but suffice to say that I have learned, in 2012, that I have ridiculously amazing friends, who do all of the above and more for me. Who not only put up with incoherent phone calls at 3am, as well as the craziness of interviews, exams, driving anxiety, and so on... but would not have had it any other way.
So, step one to happiness? Surround yourself with people who lift you up, who make you more than you are without them, and get rid of the people who bring you down. If you have a relationship - romantic or otherwise - in which you doubt yourself, your self-worth, the state of your relationship; if you have a relationship that does not enhance who you are, but restricts you and brings you down, seriously consider whether it is worth sticking with.
TWO.
"this, is for saying yes" - andrea gibson.
(subtitled: "except for those times when there are good reasons for saying 'no'" - and 'good reasons' include 'not wanting to', and can sometimes also include avoiding a situation which you know will hurt and not have any benefits associated with it.)
I have done many new things this year, and I would not have done any of them if I had not started to say YES to opportunities that presented themselves to me. I said YES on a whim to visiting a friend working in the Middle East, which was not somewhere that had ever occurred to me to visit; and it was incredible. I said YES to going to a concert in Barcelona when I was already going to the Madrid version, and met lovely people. I said YES to moving myself up to Leeds, even though driving terrified me, and proved myself capable of it. I said YES and to meeting up with friends far more frequently than in the previous 3-4 years combined, and discovered how incredible my friends are. I said YES to meeting up with old school friends, and I am now closer to them than I was when we left school. I said YES when work asked me to spend some time working for another office, and I got to meet incredible people and work for great clients. On the other hand, I also learned to say 'no' to situations I needed to avoid - and to do so repeatedly when needed - and I'm learning to do so without guilt.
This is the second step to my happiness: say yes to new opportunities, but know when and dare to say 'no' as well.
THREE.
"Forward"
This is the part where I sound like Obama's 2012 campaign.
And yet, it is possibly the most important of the three steps: look ahead, and keep moving forward. Let go of things that have passed. A tutor of mine was trying to teach us the strategy we should adopt for a particular exam, and she summarised it thus: "If you don't know the answer or how to do it in the first 30 seconds, let it go and move on with your life." Now, I wouldn't only approach a dilemma or problem in life in 30 seconds, but the idea of "let it go and move on with your life" has been so incredibly useful to me in being happy as I move forward.
I could also have quoted The Lion King, having watched it only a week ago (why yes, I *am* an adult!), where Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick, leading Simba to react with a "Jeez! What was that for?!" and Rafiki wisely responds, "It doesn't matter! It's in the past!" Simba, very human-like, acknowledges, "Yeah, but it still hurts". Rafiki grants him that much, "Oh yes, the past can hurt... But the way I see it, you can either run for it, or... learn from it." Simba, this time, avoids Rafiki's stick. Learn from the past, but let it go and keep moving.
BASICALLY, The Lion King is awesome and so is letting go of the past and moving forwards.
FOUR.
"Do not be afraid. Only believe." (Mark 5:36) and "Trust in God that you are EXACTLY where you are meant to be" (St. Thérèse de Lisieux)
Finally, there have been so many moments this year where I have felt so absolutely certain that I am EXACTLY where I am meant to be. I can't explain this certainty, other than an incredible peace of mind that no matter how things work out, they will be okay. Because if 2012 was this incredibly amazing, in spite of the initial pain of ending a long-term relationship and being unsure of what the future held, if my life is this ridiculously great in spite of rubbish that has happened, how can things not be ok?
I had a moment sitting on the hill at the Washington Monument in the summer, watching the sun set over the Lincoln Memorial, where it was like everything just stopped, and my heart felt like it was about to burst with joy because of the opportunities I'd had, the people I'd met, the music I'd listened to, the places I'd been, the way things were looking up. I had smaller similar moments at other intervals - on the plane heading to Tel Aviv; in the crowd at Bruce Springsteen's concert in Barcelona; in Toronto on my Uncle and Aunt's back porch listening to Alison Krauss; in the car driving up to Leeds to move up here listening to Dire Straits; on trains early in the morning heading south for work; on trains to visit friends; in church on Sundays when I have ended up overwhelmed and in tears; walking to the office early in the morning, when the city's waking up and the sun is creeping through the clouds, and I feel like yes. I am exactly where I am meant to be.
I have absolutely no idea what 2013 will look like. I have thoughts about things I would like to see happen, and I have the knowledge that a whole lot of it is not currently entirely dependent on me. What I do know, however, is that I am loved. That you are loved, so much more than you possibly know. What I do know is that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I know that I have friends I trust with my life. And I know that however this year unfolds, things will be okay.
And that is something I am incredibly thankful for.
So here is a very short summary of the lessons I learned in 2012, complete with quotes from songs, poems, or, apparently, political campaigns.
ONE.
"i'll be there for you, [because] you're there for me too" - the rembrandts. (aka. "Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not those who bring you down.")
This one sounds obvious, but sometimes, it is not entirely clear when people are not in the category of those who "lift you up."
For reference, they are the people who you call and text and email with the same problems repeatedly, at strange times of the day or night, and instead of telling you you are being a pest simply repeat encouraging words. They are the ones who tell you "yes, you can!" when you tell them you want to run a marathon, even though they know you've not put on your running shoes in a couple of years. They are the ones who call you every so often to see how you're doing. They are the ones who make time to receive your call to catch up on life, even when you don't live in the same city. They are the ones who, when you tell them, "I don't know what is going on in my life" tell you "I have no idea either, but that's two of us in this boat, and here's the kettle and a teacup". They are the ones who, when you message being a little worried because you may miss your last train home, offer you tea and a sofa-bed at a minute's notice. They are the ones who, when you call them before exams or interviews or after a break up, stay on the phone even when they are extremely stressed themselves, just because they want you to be okay. They are the ones you know would let you in the door if you somehow unexpectedly ended up homeless.
I won't embarrass anyone by publicly naming any of these friends of mine, but suffice to say that I have learned, in 2012, that I have ridiculously amazing friends, who do all of the above and more for me. Who not only put up with incoherent phone calls at 3am, as well as the craziness of interviews, exams, driving anxiety, and so on... but would not have had it any other way.
So, step one to happiness? Surround yourself with people who lift you up, who make you more than you are without them, and get rid of the people who bring you down. If you have a relationship - romantic or otherwise - in which you doubt yourself, your self-worth, the state of your relationship; if you have a relationship that does not enhance who you are, but restricts you and brings you down, seriously consider whether it is worth sticking with.
TWO.
"this, is for saying yes" - andrea gibson.
(subtitled: "except for those times when there are good reasons for saying 'no'" - and 'good reasons' include 'not wanting to', and can sometimes also include avoiding a situation which you know will hurt and not have any benefits associated with it.)
I have done many new things this year, and I would not have done any of them if I had not started to say YES to opportunities that presented themselves to me. I said YES on a whim to visiting a friend working in the Middle East, which was not somewhere that had ever occurred to me to visit; and it was incredible. I said YES to going to a concert in Barcelona when I was already going to the Madrid version, and met lovely people. I said YES to moving myself up to Leeds, even though driving terrified me, and proved myself capable of it. I said YES and to meeting up with friends far more frequently than in the previous 3-4 years combined, and discovered how incredible my friends are. I said YES to meeting up with old school friends, and I am now closer to them than I was when we left school. I said YES when work asked me to spend some time working for another office, and I got to meet incredible people and work for great clients. On the other hand, I also learned to say 'no' to situations I needed to avoid - and to do so repeatedly when needed - and I'm learning to do so without guilt.
This is the second step to my happiness: say yes to new opportunities, but know when and dare to say 'no' as well.
THREE.
"Forward"
This is the part where I sound like Obama's 2012 campaign.
And yet, it is possibly the most important of the three steps: look ahead, and keep moving forward. Let go of things that have passed. A tutor of mine was trying to teach us the strategy we should adopt for a particular exam, and she summarised it thus: "If you don't know the answer or how to do it in the first 30 seconds, let it go and move on with your life." Now, I wouldn't only approach a dilemma or problem in life in 30 seconds, but the idea of "let it go and move on with your life" has been so incredibly useful to me in being happy as I move forward.
I could also have quoted The Lion King, having watched it only a week ago (why yes, I *am* an adult!), where Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick, leading Simba to react with a "Jeez! What was that for?!" and Rafiki wisely responds, "It doesn't matter! It's in the past!" Simba, very human-like, acknowledges, "Yeah, but it still hurts". Rafiki grants him that much, "Oh yes, the past can hurt... But the way I see it, you can either run for it, or... learn from it." Simba, this time, avoids Rafiki's stick. Learn from the past, but let it go and keep moving.
BASICALLY, The Lion King is awesome and so is letting go of the past and moving forwards.
FOUR.
"Do not be afraid. Only believe." (Mark 5:36) and "Trust in God that you are EXACTLY where you are meant to be" (St. Thérèse de Lisieux)
Finally, there have been so many moments this year where I have felt so absolutely certain that I am EXACTLY where I am meant to be. I can't explain this certainty, other than an incredible peace of mind that no matter how things work out, they will be okay. Because if 2012 was this incredibly amazing, in spite of the initial pain of ending a long-term relationship and being unsure of what the future held, if my life is this ridiculously great in spite of rubbish that has happened, how can things not be ok?
I had a moment sitting on the hill at the Washington Monument in the summer, watching the sun set over the Lincoln Memorial, where it was like everything just stopped, and my heart felt like it was about to burst with joy because of the opportunities I'd had, the people I'd met, the music I'd listened to, the places I'd been, the way things were looking up. I had smaller similar moments at other intervals - on the plane heading to Tel Aviv; in the crowd at Bruce Springsteen's concert in Barcelona; in Toronto on my Uncle and Aunt's back porch listening to Alison Krauss; in the car driving up to Leeds to move up here listening to Dire Straits; on trains early in the morning heading south for work; on trains to visit friends; in church on Sundays when I have ended up overwhelmed and in tears; walking to the office early in the morning, when the city's waking up and the sun is creeping through the clouds, and I feel like yes. I am exactly where I am meant to be.
I have absolutely no idea what 2013 will look like. I have thoughts about things I would like to see happen, and I have the knowledge that a whole lot of it is not currently entirely dependent on me. What I do know, however, is that I am loved. That you are loved, so much more than you possibly know. What I do know is that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I know that I have friends I trust with my life. And I know that however this year unfolds, things will be okay.
And that is something I am incredibly thankful for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)