Quarter 1.

I thought I should post an update on my progress so far against resolutions made in January. I encourage clients to prepare budgets and forecasts and track their performance against these throughout the year, at least at quarterly intervals. I'm clearly at least 6 weeks behind a quarter 1 updated; but still, here is how I am doing against my 7 resolutions for 2015.

1. WASTE LESS. SAVE MORE.
This goes in phases. I was appalling at it last week, and found myself buying lunch 4 out of 5 days. But on the whole, I am making more of an effort to bring lunch with me. Cooking is still so much easier when I am not cooking along; and so I think this goal will improve in the second part of the year, when I no longer live alone.

2. RUN.
Well, I completed the Leeds Half. I didn't do it well, but I learned a lot from it.

First: I didn't train as consistently as I intended to at the outset. I stuck to my 3-4 runs a week, of which one was a long run, for all of.... 3 weeks? For about 5 weeks I ran maybe 2 times a week, where one was  along run. And in the last 4 weeks, I only ran 2 long runs. I didn't run at all in the 2 weeks leading up to it. That was not what I should have been doing. So, key learning point one: CONSISTENCY IS KEY.

Second: I didn't treat myself to the new running shoes I said I would (because it turns out car brakes are expensive, and I also chose to buy some flights and hire cars); and so I ran it on some cheap (£15!) ones I'd bought when I was on an away job for work, and realised I'd forgotten my running shoes. I'd only ever intended to run a maximum of 6 miles at a time on them, and for a short period of time - largely because they have very hard soles, and the impact on my knees was therefore not great. Key learning point two: INVEST IN A DECENT PAIR OF SQUISHY SHOES.

Third: I didn't look at the route until maybe 3 weeks before the race; at which point I realised the first 5 miles were up hill, and that I should probably have trained on hills as well as the canal path.  Key learning point three: BE PREPARED.

Fourth: I didn't read the race guide, so failed to be prepare for the fact that there were no Lucozade/Powerade/Gatorade stops; just water. And I'd eaten a chocolate croissant for breakfast, because I'd had a craving; so by mile 9-10 my blood sugar was very low; I felt faint, sick, and must have looked pale because 2 different people checked to ask if I was okay (this is a link to my Don't-Pass-Out Face.)This meant that the last - FLAT! - 3 miles, which should have/would have normally been a 9:30 - 10 minute mile ended up being a 12 minute mile plod in which my main concern was not collapsing. Key learning point 4: BE PREPARED SOME MORE.

Considering those things - and the more crucial fact that this was meant to be my attempt at seeing how my back would cope with running again - I'm choosing to be happy with my 2:20 finish; but I'm disappointed that at least 7 minutes were added on in a flat stretch where all I would have needed was an energy drink.

3. TRAVEL MORE.
On track! We went to Brussels to see a school friend. I went to Spain with my mum and sister to clear out our house (more on that at some other point). We went to the Lake District with extended family and spent so much time outdoors, it was amazing. We went to Spain and hired a car and drove around. We've been away for weekends to see family and friends. I'm going to Amsterdam with an old friend in the summer. And we're going to Mexico in October. And those sentences all make me RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY.

4. OTHER.
a. Qualify: I'm on it. I've time-qualified, which means that the minute I pass the case study paper, I'll be an ACA. I can't wait; this feels like it is dragging on a bit now.

b. Read more: YES YES YES. I read 3 books in a week while in Spain, including 2 of Rachel Held Evans. I've also only bought 3 new books this year, because I have banned myself from buying any more until I read all the ones I have already.

c. Less screen time: This comes and goes. We've started watching (or rather, L is re-watching; I am discovering) Orange is the New Black, and I struggle to just watch one episode at a time. Yesterday evening, I wasted the evening on my phone. But then while in Spain, I didn't use screens much at all. This is a work in progress.


The bottom line? "Mistakes are going to be made. Minimise them. Fix them. Move on." Time to get cracking with the improvements where I can.

"Stop dulling your roar"

For a few days now, I've been needing A Good Cry. I've been moody, I've been so grumpy even in the face of niceness, I've been short-tempered with colleagues and friends. I've been having Big Doubts, with capital letters, about a lot of things. And I've not been able to have the good cathartic sob I felt I needed.

And then I opened up My Clippings on my Kindle, and while listening to Crowder's Come as you are, I found 2 highlighted passages of Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist, and finally had a good cry.

 "The Kingdom of God will be better with your voice, your hands, your experiences, your stories, your truth. You can go where I cannot go, and someone needs to hear your song. You are someone's invitation. Rest in your God-breathed worth. Stop holding your breath, hiding your gifts, ducking your head, dulling your roar, distracting your soul, stilling your hands, quieting your voice and satiating your hunger with the lesser things of this world."

Yes. Stop dulling your roar.

"The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in in, under its roof."

Yes. Live inside that hope.


I currently have no idea how; but I know that everything will be okay.

Thank you, Sarah.

Resolve.

I realise I'm at least 7 days behind all the New Year's resolutions posts, but it's more that I've not made any of my aims or hopes for 2015 available to all to see.

This entry is where I change that.

In 2015, I would like to:

1. Waste less. Save more.
December 2014 was unexpectedly a very expensive month. Not because of Christmas - though that has made January 2015 a rather expensive month - but because on the 29th of November, the electrics in my car failed. The car thought its doors were open all the time, but they were locked, and so the car alarm kept going off. Also, it kept beeping at me whenever I dared to drive above 6 miles per hour. As it turns out, car alarms can't be deactivated entirely - as this would be too appealing for thieves, I imagine. So I had to replace my car's motherboard, basically. It was unfortunate, and I found out how much it cost at the end of a long week on a very long job, and promptly burst into tears. In front of, give or take, 5 work colleagues. Not my finest moment.

And yet once I got over the frustration at not knowing if my garage was taking me for a ride - or rather, once my sister shook some sense into me by reminding me to breathe and that, hey, sometimes stuff happens, and that I did have cash to pay for it - I relised that December needed to be a frugal month. I had a one-digit figure available to spend a day on food & drink.

However I am also incredibly fortunate in that I also had pretty full cupboards of staples. Things like flour, dried pasta, some couscous, dried chickpeas, lentils, and so on. I had just become used to not needing to cook every day from scratch, and realised how much I relied on making my store-bought lunch my main meal each day, or stopping at the store for fresh food each day to cook an evening meal.  I was wasting so much food.

I had to cook meals from scratch in December. I became very acquainted with Aldi (love it!). I ate a significant amount of lentils (dahl, soup, some form of baked thing) - much to my sister's chagrin. And it truly brought hom how much money I could save if only I actually cooked more, and it made me realise how much food I was wasting. Not on purpose, but say I bought a lettuce on the way home, it was not unusual for 1/4 of it at least to eventually go off. Or milk. Or whatever it was.

So, in 2015 I am aiming to waste less. More specifically, I aim to cook and pack lunch to take to work, at least 4 times a week. In the process, this will help me save more cash.

2. Run.
I injured myself this year. Not a running injury, but a my-body-giving-up-on-being-wonky-for-25-years injury. I've not been running in 4 months, since September 7th when I ran the Great North Run.

I loved that. Not just the environment and lovely weather; but the distance. I may be weird, but I really like running. I like listening to music and running off steam. There's nothing quite like the sound of thousands of pairs of feet pounding the road surface at the same time during a race. There's nothing like running mile sign posts, and mentally high-five-ing yourself. I like how I feel strong when I run. And, because clearly I'm very mature, I find myself, aged 25, thrilled at being able to picture myself turning around to my PE teacher from high school and going "HA! SEE! I AM NOT USELESS."

I've been feeling so much better from my injury. I am no longer taking strong pain killers during the day, though still having a bit of pain depending on what I've been doing. But when the physio discharged me at the start of December, I asked if a half marathon in April-ish seemed like a reasonable goal. When he said that physically there was no reason it wouldn't be, but to take it easy and see how I felt, I thought: Bring it on.

 I'm going to sign up for a 10k in March - the first one I ever ran, last year. I'd like to also run the 10 miler in Edinburgh which I did last year.  I've just signed up to the Leeds Half Marathon, on May 11th. And, importantly, I have also just signed up to run the Yorkshire Marathon on 11 October 2015. I have wanted to run a marathon, and have been talking about running a marathon, for years. I had entered the London Marathon ballot, and was disappointed to not get a place. I was about to sign up to run the Barcelona Marathon (which is in March) the 3 days before I hurt myself. By the time I even thought of getting on a treadmill, it was December, and 3 months is not enough time to go from zero to 26.2 miles. 10 months, on the other hand is.

And if 2015 is the year of Thriving; it's certainly the year to stop talking about goals, and to start achieving them.

3. Travel more.
Day trips at weekends. Weekend adventuring - pondering glamping with L and the dog at some point. Short visits to school friends who live all around the world. Try to get to the US to see my people that side of the world.

I am resolving to say yes to spending money on travel, because if you can't spend money on doing something you emjoy, to spend time with people you love; then what good is it anyway.

4. Other goals and hopes.
- Qualify. I am one exam and about 48 work days short of being a chartered accountant, and I intend on qualifying this year.
- Proactively church hunt. Keep track of the churches I go to, and reflect on what it is I don't like and do like about them. Stick around somewhere long enough to figure it out.
- Read more... So far I have read a book in 2015. This means I could feasibly do a one-book-a-week challenge, which would go hand in hand with...
- ... less screen time. I don't want to spend time on my phone or laptop when I am around other people (lunch, dinner, meeting up with people, etc.) Or in bed.

And that's pretty much it.

2015: bring it on!

What are your New Year's resolutions?

One Word 2015: Thrive

If 2012 was the year of "forward", 2013 was the year of "surrender", and 2014 was the year of "follow through".

2013 required letting go of things past in order to make way for the new. 2013 required letting go of my need to control when I would successfully move forward; letting go of my need to be in control; letting go of the carefully crafted image I was building about who I was.

2013 required surrendering to God and trusting that He was in control, that there was a plan for me. That I was allowed to stop trying so hard and just learn to follow the rythm of my life, no questions asked.

"There's a wave that's crashing over me

And all I can do is surrender -

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace.

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see;

But I'm giving in to something heavenly."

- 'Whatever you're doing', by Sanctus Real

 

 

In 2013, I went on a number of dates which left me deflated, feeling like there was no point in trying to meet new people. I'd meet someone nice, only to have them decide that it just "wasn't the right time for them". It was only when I stopped trying so hard that I got to meet L. It was only when I went on a date with no expectations, surrendering to the evening, that I got to know L. It was only in seeing one another again and again over the summer, just spending time together, enjoying getting to know one another, that we realised that it was a relationship we both wanted to let happen.

So 2013 was a good year, but it was not the year in which my carefully thought out goals for myself - of finding a Church; running a half-marathon; cooking more - were actually achieved. It took me surrendering to God to find myself. It took surrendering to God for me to end up on a path which would allow me to follow through with more specific goals.

 

Because 2014 was the year of follow-through. Of actually setting out and finding that my specific but unspoken goals from years past were being achieved. Of realising that, as I had been promised I would -  "Farther along, [you']ll know all about it / Farther along,  [you']'ll understand why" - 'Farther Along', by Josh Garrels - I was discovering where my journey was leading me, and what all the hassle of the years before had been about.

 

2014 involved adventures in cooking and in drinking wine and gin & tonics. 2014 involved some plane tickets, some train tickets, some long-distance driving, and a lot of regular driving. 2014 involved more exams, involved part-qualifying, involved sunshine, involved promotions. 2014 involved coaching new staff, involved becoming friends with colleagues, and unkowingly at the time, involved mentoring a junior and having him do well. 2014 involved running, one foot in front of the other. 2014 involved supporting some friends, and losing others. 2014 involved frugal months, and properly veggie months, and dry months because of training for races. 2014 involved learning to simply fall into step next to a partner in crime who builds me up, and having us meeting one another exactly where we are.

I trained for, and ran two 10 km races, a 10 mile race, and the Great North Run (a half-marathon with Mo Farah, who had finished the race before I'd even crossed the start line). And then I slipped a disc in my back by doing nothing, and have been out of action for 3 months. I will get my groove back. 

 

L and I made a point of seeking out some adventures to appease our itchy feet. We said yes to exploring, and ended up in Istanbul. We said yes to adventuring closer to home, and ended up on long drives across the UK and shorter drives to fields and hills and reservoirs and homecooked meals and walking the dog.

 

I spent a weekend in the north of France with a friend early in the year. I went back to the house I grew up in, where none of us live anymore, for a pre-Easter break. I spent a weekend in Edinburgh with my old housemate, and she cheered me on my first Long Race. Oxford, London, Brighton, Yorkshire, Derbyshire. A weekend in Paris with my big sister in September. 

 

I made time to see some friends more often, but also sadly lost touch with some. I cheered on family as they made important decisions in their lives, and moved [back] across countries and timezones to be where they were called to be. I met up with work colleagues outside of work, and saw them become friends.

 

I supervised some Big Jobs and was praised. I sat some more exams, so I only have one left. I was promoted at work.  I sat down with people at work and had hard, uncomfortable conversations. I took some sick leave after ending up on a morphine drip in A&E. Twice. I was involved in a specific job which required 43 to 55-hour-long weeks for a good 5 weeks in a row. I burst into tears at work again, when the electrics on my car failed and needed a more expensive repair than I had planned for, at the beginning of Advent, after 3 weeks of working 50 hour weeks, when my emotional reserves were low. I sat down with people at work and had thoroughly enjoyable conversations. 

 

I read more. I read some detective novels and I read some poetry and I bought more books than I needed (what's new, hey!). I read Karen Campbell's 'This is Where I am' and vowed to get myself back to Scotland for a bit. I read Lean In and resolved to 'Sit at the table' at work and in life more generally. I read Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist and felt a drive to Go out and do something about injustices that stir me and to, once and for all, find a church to call home.

 

And I realised that 2015 will be the year of putting these things into action; of continuing to show that I am resillient. 2015 will be the year to thrive, being exactly where I am meant to be.

 

So here's to 2015.

 

Here's to laughing out loud and drinking good wine and driving with the windows down with music on. Here's to buying the plane tickets that seem too expensive, because seeing the world is a gift. Here's to getting back on the treadmill and trusting that my back will have healed, that my leg will not hurt, that I will run again. So here's to signing up to more races, and showing up every day and doing the unsexy everyday work that is required to get you from A to B. Here's to phoning friends and family more frequently and telling them I love them. Here's to cooking more, to reading more, to turning off the screens and spending time with people around me. Here's to finding a church and to giving my time to the things that matter to me. Here's to new steps forward in my life. Here's to more travel, to qualifying and to moving house. Here's to sitting at the table, and to going out there, and to getting things done.

 

Here's to jumping into life with both feet, knowing there's someone there to hold hands with on the way down.

 

Here's to thriving.

 

The toast that I didn't give when I acquired a brother-in-law.

I wanted to propose a toast at my sister's wedding, but I hadn't told anyone about it, and I decided I couldn't quite trust myself after a couple of glasses of wine. I very frequently have issues in placing a filter between my thoughts and my mouth, so I have been known to make a complete tit of myself. The last thing I wanted to do was to make a tit of myself and to embarrass anyone else by giving, ultimately, an impromtu speech in front of two dozen people. But if I had stood up and spoken, these were some things that I would have wanted to say.

I would have wanted to recall how R and I spent afternoons teasingly giggling about how we were "already planning L and A's wedding" when they had only been together a few months. Because the thing is, we weren't just blindly giggling and being teenager-ish (though, admittedly, in hindsight, that too). Rather, sometimes, when two people know, it is so obvious that such giggling and planning is not uncalled for, because it is simply exciting.

I would have said how A.A. Milne's 'Us Two' always makes me think of them, probably because of something L said to me early on in their relationship: "I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he, "I'm never afraid with you." L is entirely confident and incredible when she is not with A. With him, she becomes even more so; so it is delightful to see how much they complement one another.

I would have remembered how early on in their relationship, L failed a test, and was rather upset. R and I tried to cheer her up with Starbucks and 10 Things I Hate About You and more cups of tea, to little avail. And then A simply said, "Look, I know - we all know - you are the most intelligent person in the room" with a hug. And that was enough. This would not be a criticism of tea in moments of need, but rather that the right person at the right time can make anything okay. And that A has always been so, so proud of her.  

I'd have wanted to say how happy I am to see how happy they make one another; how nice of a relationship they have. How relaxed they are with each other and with others. How lovely it is to see them go off on adventures together; and how happy I hope that they will keep being. I would have told them that I am so pleased that A can put up with mum and me, when we are our delightfully loopy selves; and embrace them because they are just part of L's life, and do so with enthusiasm and good spirit. And I would have wished them a mountain of happiness and a lifetime of laughter.

Here's to their next adventure and their lifetime together.

Lessons from my dad.

Dear Pinou,

For weeks now, I've been receiving emails from East Coast, Megabus and BritishAirways (how telling of my life that the emails I have subscribed to receive are all transport-related...) telling me to "treat my dad this Father's Day!" And so, I gather it is Father's Day here in England.

I have written about you in various places many times in the past 10 months; probably because I've been missing you more than I had before, so telling you all those things again seems repetitive. But I wanted to acknowledge today as a day of being thankful for being the daughter of a father. So I thought I would share some of the wisdom I learned from you; because they are only a few of the things that made you incredible. And I thought it would maybe make you proud to know I'd picked up on them.

Try harder, and when it doesn't work, try again. - It was 5th grade when you were called in to talk to my maths teacher. I was getting between 0.75 and 2 out of 5 in these tests we had every few days, and you knew it wasn't because my brain couldn't cope with it. You knew it was because I wasn't trying. To be fair, the teacher did too. And when you told me as much, it wasn't with disappointment or anger; just misunderstanding. "You are smart, Ana. You just seem to live through the law of minimum effort." And for once, that approach wasn't enough; so you told me to try a bit harder. You sat with me and explained theorems and logic to me. Thales, Pythagoras. How to measure the side of a building from its shadow. How to understand exponents and pi. You sat with me and were patient with me, and when you didn't know how to explain, you encouraged me to look things up. The following year I started getting A's in maths: I'd tried.

When you were ill and told you'd have only a few months to live, you pretty much laughed at them. "Screw that," you said, "I'm going to try to beat this." They tried a few treatments, and when they didn't work, you said "try something else." When they said, "no, sorry, we've run out of options." you still said "screw that, I'm going home." I may or may not have given you a stern talking-to in hospital to help with that, but you did. You came home. You tried.

So always try. And if you fail, try harder. Relatedly -

Do yourself proud. - When we started running track in PE, I told you I couldn't keep up. I remember you telling me you'd never been sporty, that I shouldn't worry; but that I should make myself proud by trying. And I did. I plugged in headphones, listened to music, and repeated to myself, "What would Buffy do?" and kept running. And when I realised I'd done it, I was proud. As were you.

I know your biggest fear was that in leaving, you'd be letting us down. I hope you know that you never, ever, not even for one second, did that. You made us so, so proud to call you Dad. Or, Pinou, because of course.

You taught me many other things; like how being cheerful will brighten other people's day. You taught me to be assertive and tell people when they are talking nonsense. From you, I have been learning, slowly but surely, to trust my voice.

"Trust your voice." - You told me that when you were ill; when I was ill; when we weren't talking properly anymore. When I was afraid of telling you how I felt. When I was afraid of loving you strongly because I thought I might break if you died. When I tried to take back the fact I was gay. "Trust your voice. Speak your truth." I've been finding my truth, dad; I've been finding who I am. And it is in those moments that I feel closest to you. In those moments where I catch glimpses of who I am becoming, and recognise you in me. From my appalling sense of direction - you should see me attempting to navigate my way around Leeds! - to my fierce love for those in my life. From my enthusiasm for science and my attraction to smart, intelligent, assertive people. From my inability to sing in tune, to the way I love the smell of coffee. From the number of books I seem to have acquired, to the way I apparently drive more confidently when I'm blasting Dire Straits from the stereo. From the way I ask sixty thousand questions, to the way I mess up - fabulously. From the way I interact with people I'm not related to, to the way I love our family.

Daddy, you taught me to love fiercely, unapologetically and enthusiastically. You taught me to trust who I was, who I would become. You taught me to be kind, to be gentle. You taught me to speak up. You taught me to ask questions, and suggest answers. You taught your eldest daughter to look out for her little sister, and boy, did she ever. You taught us to be patient, to get angry, to be ambitious. You taught us to be curious, to be inquisitive, to not fear doctors. You taught us the value of speaking up and the value of sitting back. You taught us to walk in the rain, and sing out of tune. You taught us to laugh hard and enjoy friendships. And, in the end, you taught us how to hold on tight to see what we must, and then, when the time comes, to let go.

Daddy, I learned so much from you, from watching you, from spending time with you. And in the same way as I hope you know that you made me - us - so proud to call you Daddy; I hope we make you proud too.

I'm pretty sure we do.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Pinou. You.

Thank you for the lessons. And thank you for loving us. It was an honour to call you Dad.

Love always,
Ana

Thankful.

My friend Viv offered a homily for a service held at MCC in Boston a few weeks back; and part of what she wrote (the full text being here), included this:

"When it becomes apparent, obvious that there is nothing we can do, that we are clearly beaten, there will still be God, creator, redeemer, sustainer, who is lifting up the lowly, who is pulling the mighty down from their throws, who feeds the hungry and sends the rich away empty. It may be unlikely, but it will be done."
And it resonated with me so much.

Sometimes, things go wrong. Sometimes, they are small things; like walking into a coffee table repeatedly, thereby bruising your shin; or spilling coffee down your front on your way to the office. Sometimes, slightly bigger things go wrong: your parent's job is threatened and you can do nothing about it. Sometimes, even bigger things go wrong. Sometimes, even though nothing major is wrong, you have panic attacks that wake you up three times a night and leave you paralysed and unable to function properly the next day. And sometimes, things you are really excited about just don't work out; like the possibility of a new relationship.

It is in those times that I am learning to lean on God, and remain thankful in the breakdown; to "spin it into a good thing", if you want. Because in the end, "there will still be God."

Spill coffee on yourself? Be thankful you had coffee to spill. Walked into a coffee table? You're a dork with the ability to walk. Mother's job is in turmoil? It's a chance for her to finally look into doing what she wants to do with her life, and make positive changes. A potential relationship doesn't work out because of reasons beyond your control? Be thankful that you got to feel butterflies and excitement and ecstatic about the possibility of falling in love with someone again; because -

"Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you. Thank you for stopping by.” (Sarah Kay, 'When Love Arrives')

So I am trying so hard to be thankful; to give thanks. Because I have no reason to not be thankful of the life I have, of the life I have been building here. I know, still, that I am exactly where I am meant to be, even though I am not entirely sure why, yet. And so for that, I give thanks.

I am thankful for dates and kissing in train stations and excitement about people; even when it then doesn't work out. I am thankful for a job which allows me to talk to so many different people. I am thankful for work colleagues who offer me support when I need it. I am thankful for friendships made through work and out of work. I am thankful for my little flat, and sunny days, and rainy days, and friends who message me to invite me to their house when I'm having a rough time. I'm thankful for music and hugs. I am thankful for the ability to plot adventures to travel. I am thankful for school friends and university friends and friends I met online ten years ago who I am still friends with. I am thankful for my amazing family, who has gone through ups and downs and who is changing and growing.

I am thankful for growing up.